As an introverted woman, I’ve dated plenty of extroverted men. There’s something about the way they talk and their excitement in sharing what they’re passionate about with me… But there was almost never a time when my partner would open up to me. And it made me wonder: is it because he simply wasn’t interested in me? Was he scared of intimacy? Or was it something else entirely…
Our efforts to get him to open up always ended in failure. One time, I showed up with flowers for no reason, just because his eyes lit up when he saw me carrying them. Another time, I sat down with him and made a list of all the things I wanted to know about him, for once. However, he didn’t show any interest in getting to know me better.
As introverted women, we are used to hearing many statements about love and life from our extroverted partners. These are the kind of things that make us feel good but rarely put into practice:
“You are the most beautiful woman in the world.”
“I’ll never leave you.”
“I love you so much I can’t begin to describe it.”
“…And when I’m with you, everything around me seems to disappear.”
No doubt about it, these are wonderful statements. But at times, they seem like empty words to us because we’ve heard them so many times before.
My ex used to say all of these things, but the truth is that it was all talk. The only time he ever showed me how much he loved me was when he got too angry at something I said… But even then it wasn’t because of his passion for me. It was just because he couldn’t control his rage. And so, I broke up with him.
However, there was a time when I first fell in love with an introverted man and to this day, it’s the one relationship that has made me feel most understood and loved for who I am as a person. So what was the difference?
I’m not entirely sure myself. I can say that my partner was very understanding; he never once said or did anything to make me feel like something was wrong with me for being the way I am.
I’ve always respected his need to be alone, how he would read for hours in solitude and even spend days on end at home without ever feeling like he was missing out on something. I learnt to appreciate him for who he was and the things that made him different.
And you know, it seems like these are exactly the kind of things that introverted men need in order to feel like they’ve “won” us over. If an introverted man can learn to love you for who you are, then it’s very possible that he’ll want to let you in on his heart.
So how do I get him to open up? How do I get an introverted man to show interest in me? Here are some ideas:
Give him his space
As women, we have a hard time understanding why the person we’re interested in would know so little about us yet want to spend so much time alone.
Don’t try to push him into opening up before he’s ready. Be patient, wait for the right moment and don’t lose hope that it’ll happen one day.
Respect his need for privacy
Introverted men are more secretive than extroverted men. They don’t like it when we invade their privacy and even get to the point where they start hiding things from us.
So if an introverted man you’re interested in starts making up excuses, give him his space and keep your distance.
Don’t ask too many questions about his past relationships
I’m not saying don’t ask him anything. But don’t push it if he doesn’t like talking about his past relationships. He might be afraid of getting hurt again, or perhaps the fact that you’re asking means that it’s already too late for him.
Don’t assume that he feels insecure because you haven’t opened up to him
Introverted men are generally very understanding. They are more likely to look for reasons to see what’s going on with you rather than suspect that something’s wrong without being told about it.
So if you’ve been keeping something from him, don’t assume that he’ll think there is a problem just because you haven’t mentioned it yet.
Don’t expect too much of him
While an extroverted man might have the tendency to wear his heart on his sleeve, introverted men aren’t like that. They will rarely put their emotions out in the open for you to see. So don’t get frustrated when they can’t show you how much they care; it’s not because they don’t want to, but because they can’t.
Give him time to think things over
If we don’t understand an introvert’s need for contemplation, we might get frustrated and even angry at times when he takes so long to come up with a decision. But most of the time, it has nothing to do with us.
Introverted men take time and effort to analyze their feelings before making any decisions. They also think about how it will affect others around them, mostly because they care.
So if you’re dating an introverted man, try not to rush him into anything big or ask for answers that he might not be ready to give yet.
Most of the time, introverted men only need someone who’s patient enough to listen to what they have to say. They don’t like interacting with other people, not because they’re shy or lack the skills to do it, but because they get easily distracted and might even be affected by other people’s moods.
You can also watch our free presentation here about love and relationship.